4 Stoic Tactics to Handle Anger

What's Stoicism Got to Do with It?

I recently started diving into the meditations of Marcus Aurelius. I've read his written works and listened to podcasts about his philosophies and advice on handling life's challenges. When I first delved into Stoicism, it wasn't because I was seeking a surefire way to manage my anger. My interest in philosophy sparked after taking a college course and learning about Epictetus' teachings. "A real man gives no space to anger or displeasure, such a person has strength, courage, and endurance - unlike the angry and the complainer. The closer a man is to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength." - Marcus Aurelius. I was pleasantly surprised by how much his teachings addressed anger - because he dealt with it himself. Armed with the notion that even a famous philosopher and Roman Emperor must have grappled with anger, I explored the rest of his teachings, embarking on a journey to better manage my anger.

Number 1: Don't Feed the Anger

In her book, "13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don't Do," therapist Amy Morin recounts the story of a client who wasn't very happy. She was upset with her subordinates at work and was known to frequently vent her anger to colleagues and her husband. Amy, hoping to help this woman see what was going awry in this vicious circle, shared research about the harmful nature of what we call "venting."

"They discovered that turning down the heat through stress-relieving activities is better at minimizing anger because it reduces a person's fight-or-flight response. Conversely, venting anger actually increases agitation, as do physical activities like running. It's very common, especially in our tweet-filled society, with angry rants on Twitter and loud chats on Facebook. But, can I tell you something? The feeling that giving in to our anger makes it better isn't true; it actually makes it worse."

Seneca describes anger in the following quote as something that "sweeps us away" and defeats us in battle when we give in to it by "feeding the beast." "The best plan is to refuse at once the first incentives to anger, to resist its beginnings, and to take care not to be led into it: for once it starts, it will carry us away, and it is difficult to return to a healthy state before anger. For the mind goes to waste when emotion enters it..." Seneca continues to draw an analogy between us and a fortress. Once we let anger through the gates, it won't let us escape alive.

Number 2: Wait Until Emotions Settle to Act

Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy." - Aristotle. In the relationship education course I teach in local high schools, our curriculum encourages the teens we work with to "Stop the hot thoughts." When we get angry and feel "heated," we need to use various relaxation techniques to calm those emotions and avoid acting until we can access our rational mind again. "The greatest remedy for anger is delay." - Seneca.

Marcus Aurelius advises in his Meditations to wait until we are calm enough to choose wise action before doing anything at all. Anger is not the state we want to operate from. And after waiting, we may realize that our anger was only trying to protect us from a threat that perhaps was not there at all. We can pause, reflect, acknowledge our safety, and cast aside the things that stir our anger. Only then can we move forward in what is right, showing kindness to those around us, and choosing to proceed unperturbed by things that might bring us down.

Number 3: Look at the Facts

Often, anger can spiral out of control because we catastrophize things," a good mental health specialist will tell us. This means we take a situation and blow it out of proportion, turning it into something it's not. Let me be the first to admit, I'm really good at making things appear catastrophic.

"We often suffer more in imagination than in reality." - Seneca.

When we're angry, we need to embrace objectivity. This may involve reminding ourselves what we can and cannot control, taking responsibility for problems we've caused ourselves, and reconnecting with the fact that no one else can truly harm us if we don't allow it.

Number 4: Realize Your Passion Changes Nothing

When we're angry, we might feel like we're accomplishing something. I think that's why so many people turn to the internet when they’re upset about what's happening because they feel it will get them somewhere. Once, I was so frustrated with a friend that I went to Reddit to post about her and get some feedback. I created the anonymous account and everything, but soon felt disappointed when random strangers online who didn't know my situation couldn't help me. "Circumstances should not have the power to stir anger; after all, they don't care at all." - Marcus Aurelius. After calming down and starting to think about what I could actually do to resolve the situation, it hit me how silly it was to use the internet. Ranting about my friend did nothing but fuel my anger.